The Paradox of OUR Emotional Disguises
“You remind me of the X-Men character, Mystique, who uses disguise as her superpower.” My friend was referring to how calm I looked, after just having admitted that my anxiety was sky-high. It was true. My heart was pounding, my hands were trembling, and I could not think straight, but according to him, I looked as tranquil as the deep blue sea.
I laughed in delight at the idea of having a superpower while questioning in my mind whether it was a good thing. I highly suspected that being able to appear calm while freaking out on the inside was something I learned to do at a very young age since it did not involve any conscious effort or even awareness.
I also believe that I am not unique with this “ability.” Society teaches us that some emotions are negative, such as fear, sadness, anger, guilt, and shame. We are told to stop crying, to calm down, that we are overreacting. The unspoken message is: If you express this emotion, you are weak or bad, and I will ultimately reject you. Since we need others for survival, we learn to bury our “negative” emotions and the distorted beliefs associated with them (that we are weak, bad, etc.), hidden even from our own consciousness.
Why do we wear disguises?
Many children learn at a young age not to emote anger or sadness because doing so leads to a negative (or no) reaction from their caretakers.
Feelings can be uncomfortable if we are not validated or taught how to manage them when we are young.
Rejecting parts of ourselves that we think are wrong or ugly is an act of self-protection. This may work for children whose caretakers are emotionally misattuned, neglectful, or abusive, but it no longer serves adults who are in a safe environment.
Playing it “cool” when we feel anything but is a way to avoid invalidation and rejection. We don’t want to be a burden and become all alone in this world. At the time of hunters and gatherers, flying solo equated to being easy prey. The need to fit in with the group is real.
The impact of removing our disguises
Access to our deepest selves. Tapping into our emotions helps activate our authentic desires, needs, likes, and values, which leads to a stronger sense of who are and what we want.
Increased freedom and fulfillment. What we turn a blind eye to makes itself known in other ways (think anxiety, depression, addiction, and destructive relationship patterns.) With increased self-awareness comes more control over how we live.
Feeling less alone. You know the old saying, “lonely in a room full of people?” It may be because we don’t let anyone in (ourselves included) on what’s really going on.
No longer feeling “empty inside.” Have you or someone you know ever said this? We are all whole. It is just a matter of flipping on the light switch so we can see the splendor and magic that is us.
Self-acceptance. A central component of low self-esteem is the belief that if people saw us for who we really are, they would reject us. Being able to know and reveal our authentic selves and not experience rejection opens the doorway to self-love.
How do we take off our disguises?
Use a feelings wheel. They are not just for kids! Many adults have tremendous difficulty identifying what they feel. Feeling upset for example is a bit vague and mysterious. Is it anger? Sadness? Hurt? Simply labeling emotions can loosen their grip.
Observe your feelings with nonjudgment and curiosity. What is it trying to tell you? Remember that our feelings are a resource. They are on our side. Emotions may not always be rational, but they are always valid.
Tune into physical sensations. They are the pathway to our emotions. Our palms sweat when we are nervous, we get butterflies in our stomachs when we feel infatuated, and our backs, neck, or shoulders get achy when we are stressed. This is particularly helpful if you are having difficulty identifying what you are feeling emotionally.
Talk to a friend or loved one. Really talk. Make it the new norm. You might be surprised what people can handle and how it will impact your relationship.
Go to therapy. Therapy makes it easier to access overwhelming emotions because it feels safer in the company of someone else, especially a skilled professional.
Understand that it will feel uncomfortable or even painful. That is exactly why we avoid them in the first place. It does not mean that they are harmful.
Use your intuition to know how far you should go. If you are concerned that facing your feelings will lead to unhealthy coping skills such as addiction or self-harm, work under the guidance of a licensed professional. It is important to discern when, where, and with whom it is safe.
The paradox of concealing our emotions is that we hide our internal worlds in an attempt to gain approval when it is expressing ourselves that leads to self-acceptance and connection with others. In the story with my friend, he only had the chance to respond accordingly once I was honest about my internal experience. In turn, I felt relief from anxiety, acceptance for who I really was, and an increased sense of closeness to my friend.
Disclaimer
This advice does not pertain to everyone. If you have serious psychological concerns, please work under the guidance of a professional.
First published September 2021 by The Saturday Center for Psychotherapy.
